Monthly Archives: October 2012

Guest Without A Passport

Daily Post:

The moral of this story is so very important that I have to mention it before any other thing starts. Never go to a family event with a family you just met and also where you do not know the other families. Essentially, Do not go to a family event without you own family, it’s the one of most uncomfortable and awkward positions you can put yourself in. I learned the hard way.

A very new friend of mine invited me to the birthday dinner of a cousin of he’s at a restaurant within working distance of my house. I had misgivings, which were somewhat mollified when he told me that there would be a variety of food and wine, and so I considered. I met my new friend, Dave (I will call him Dave for the sake of anonymity, because no one invites you to a family function so you can go blog how bad it was for you) at a bus stop recently in Victoria Island where we were both stranded. Due to the artificially induced fuel scarcity in the country, finding a bus had become such a chore. We immediately bonded over our mutual disdain of the current political and economic predicament of Nigeria; suffice to say the friendship was an instant hit. Now when I think about it, I wonder how many friendships have germinated from a shared dislike over some political or economic situation, I am guessing a lot, because living in a country like Nigeria, one thing you can count on is for the leaders to always give you something to make your life miserable and thus give its citizens the opportunity to engage in heated debates about them. Eventually Dave and I finally found our way home that evening.

Dave comes from one of those nascent bi-ethnic families in Nigeria. His mum is Yoruba while his dad is Igbo. So unlike me, he had the privileged opportunity to learn two languages. I have always wondered how my life would be like if my parents were from two different tribes, there would be a lot of harmonizing to do but otherwise I think it would have been overly awesome.

The Dinner was to start at 7pm. But as the time drew closer I began to ponder the implications of accepting the invite, given that the only person I knew was dave, in what was going to be the combination of two different families with over twenty people. At 6:30 pm I contemplated calling in sick or just flat out bolting, but I did neither. At 7:10pm I got a text from Dave asking me if I was there already, it was my chance to finally give an excuse and bolt, but I did not and instead I replied “I am on my way”. I reluctantly peeled myself off the living room sofa and headed for the bathroom. At this time I was already 30 minutes late Nigerian style (there is a self-imposed stereotype that Nigerians are always late for events and so you would often hear the phrase “No Nigerian Time”).

At 7:45 I arrived at the venue, thinking I was going to be the last one to come in, but to my surprise I was the first there. Dave and a few of his relatives arrived about 5 minutes after me; we took a couple of pictures before heading in. Upon entering the restaurant I realized with it was a buffet. How wonderful, I would not be subjected to the miserly hands of discontented servers. We moved around seeking for the biggest table to sit everyone else, eventually we found one. (I don’t know why I keep using the word “we”, there was no “We”, there was just “Me” and “them”. They made all the decisions and I just went along like an obedient German Sheppard dog). A few minutes later everyone was present. Dave introduced me to aunties, uncles, cousins, sisters, brothers, nephew, nieces etc whose names I honestly can’t remember.

They began by catching up with each other, with questions like; “where are you working now?” “how is that is that angry boss of yours?” “Looks like the weight-loss program is beginning to yield results right?” “Dave, where is Ifeoma (his girlfriend)?” etc.  I on the other was just hanging on the sideline, smiling courteously at anyone who made out a few seconds during their own catch-up conversation to make eye contact with me. This “family catch-up” went on for the next grueling 20 minutes. One question led to another and longer responses, I tried to make conversation a couple of times, but their lifespan was shortened by reluctant shot answers. One older lady actually made an attempt to get to know me, she was asking me about my hometown, and the conversation lasted for about 20 seconds until it was cut abruptly by a strong cough from her. It was as if the cough had killed her interest in me. I went back to my former state of awkward solitude.

I felt like a foreigner in a different country without a passport. I became an embodiment of awkward conversations, laughing at unfunny jokes out of courtesy. At some point I began to despise Dave for bringing me to such an event and abandoning me. Because the minute we got in the restaurant, he was engaged by different family members for most of the time.  After what felt like a hundred hours I finally decided I could not stand it anymore. I stood up and pull a lie out of my ass, I told them I had a dental procedure done earlier and that I needed to go home and rest. Dave asked one of his cousins to escort me out, which I thought was weird, but then again I had only just met Dave twice before the Dinner.

Remembering this event just brings up pent-up hate in me, so I am going to end this post here. NEVER GO FOR A STRANGER’S FAMILY EVENT WITHOUT YOUR OWN FAMILY OR FRIENDS.

Thank you for reading.


Generosity Meets Promiscuity: The Girl With A Charitable Vagina.

I was driving home from work today, tired and exhausted, I could barely hold on to the steering wheel. 4:30 am, that’s when I woke up this morning, much like every other day, to prepare for the office. And a few minutes after the hour of eight in the evening I am still stuck in traffic. As I power through the radio stations for something decent and inspiring for the arduous ride home, I stumble on one of my best stations; Rhythm 93.7. What are they talking about? They are going through some of the stories feeding in from around the world, and a particular story strikes me. The headline goes something like this: “Brazilian student, aged 20, agrees to sell her virginity to the highest bidder in an on-line auction setup to raise money for a charity that builds homes for the destitute.” Now I can see some mouths opening wide and gasping in surreal surprise.  Some of the first few thoughts trooping into my head went like this; “is she insane?”, “She is a whory virgin”, “this is a mutant strain of lunacy”, “but then again its charity, maybe it’s not so bad”, etc. Even at this point of writing this post I am not sure I have been successful in reconciling the two ideas “Charity” and “Sex”.

Immediately I got home I went online to learn more on the story, and just entering the phrase “Charity Sex” in Google, I was amazed at the amount of information available out there on the issue. Apparently Catarina Migliorini (The Brazilian student) isn’t the first to explore charity from a rather lascivious angle. One of such related stories I was able to find was about a Chilean Prostitute  by name Maria Carolina, who had auctioned 27 hours of sex for about $4,000 to raise money for a national charity. Another interesting story was about FPA, a sexual health charity organization in the UK, which has resorted to selling sex toys in a bid to raise funds to better educate people on sex and relationships. Here are a few lines from the website that capture the essence of the Charity:

Our mission is to help establish a society in which everyone has positive, informed and non-judgmental attitudes to sex and relationships; where everyone can make informed choices about sex, relationships and reproduction so that they can enjoy sexual health free from prejudice or harm.”

The charity has setup an on-line sex store called “Desire & Pleasure”, where people can go and shop guilt-free for their favorite sex toys.

These stories bring up some many questions, mostly relating to morality, to bear. One of such questions is “Does the End justify the Means?” The implication of this question is whether an action or series of actions that is/are glaringly immoral or harmful justified by the outcome it produces no matter how favorable it might be? We now live in a sexually charged world where sex is the number one seller of merchandise. The Phrase “Sex Sells” is a mere testament to the hypnotic ability of sex to move products faster off the shelves, and rack in the much needed cash. From Pharmaceuticals to Banking to Automobiles, every industry has embraced this fact, and have done their very best to exploit it. Sex has also played a major role in the budding career of some of Hollywood’s elite. Take Kim Kardashian for example, her showbiz career got a major boost after the release of her sex-tape with former boyfriend Ray J. Her “sex-capades” caught on tape also led to the blossoming careers of every other person in her family.

With so much sex swirling around these days in varied forms, its makes it much harder to draw the line between Morality and Immorality. How do you Judge the case of Catarina Migliorini?

On the one hand, you want to commend her supposed act of selflessness. For going out of her way to give up what is generally considered to be the most revered treasure of a young lady, all for a good cause and with no apparent intention of profiting from it personally. This, my friends, might be a true expression of altruism in theory.

But on the other hand you have to question the “Means” she aims to accomplish her act of altruism. Where do you draw the line between “Hooker” and “Philanthropist”? Like I mentioned earlier, the answer to this might lie in the answer to another question, “Does the Ends justify the Means?”

To be honest I don’t think I am entirely against her quest, but…..

It would be a great pleasure to get the views and opinions of those who read this post. What do you think?

My Dark Secret

My Dark Secret.



The title & picture of this post could not be any clearer. I am official blank on things to blog about. It’s also important to note that I have only one post to my name….ever. I know what exactly you are thinking right now, “it only your first, give it some time” or some other permutation of those words. I hear you, But. When I opened my Word press account, I was so very enthusiastic about the prospects of blogging. I saw it as an opportunity to entertain people with literary pieces of things that catch my attention and are worth of being broadcasted. I thought I would be bursting with so many posts that I would have been thrown in the WORDPRESS equivalent of “Twitter Jail” or something in that zip code. But sadly I have found myself in quite a fix. Initially I thought it was writers block, but now (after weeks) I am pretty sure I have some sort of “blogging disability”. I can’t seem to keep my thoughts properly wrapped up in my head long enough before I get them down on the page of Microsoft word, and there lies my huge dilemma.

I have gone thru a couple of people’s pages, with very inviting decorations (some almost luring you in to lick the screen) that just beckon on you to read at least the first sentence. By the way, Kudos to those people, you have definitely found something you are really good at (you could probably make a career out of it), unlike me. As I read some of these posts, I can’t help but wonder how the authors have been able to piece together such interesting points and ideas, with the right words in the right places. It’s the writing equivalent of a well prepared pot of hot soup on a cold rainy day, with the right ingredients in the right quantities. I find myself green with envy, envy which is no match for the top notch writings I have in front of me, and so I read on. I am not going to mention any names here mainly because I haven’t sought permission, and also because my giant ego will not let me give credence to the incredible literary chefs. But I will give you some hint; most of the posts I have enjoyed are ones pertaining to parody. For example a post that particularly caught my attention was one where the writer was critiquing the idea behind apple’s “i” concept (oops I think I already gave this one away…lol…my bad). I am laughing right now just remembering that particular post.

At this point in time I have realized that I have written about two paragraphs of something that doesn’t exactly suck. Maybe whining and relishing about my problem is in fact the solution to my problem (now I sound like a shrink…lol). So here is to all the guys and girls with incredible blog posts, whose writings have so threatened my literary existence. Thank you for giving me something to whine about. Thanks you for making me feel so bad about myself that I made something out of my misery. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

On a different issue, not at all unrelated, I have spent the last twenty minutes clicking on the “Publish Post” button and I keep getting “undefined”. I think my internet has conspired with some force to make sure my thoughts do not get out there.

Second time’s a charm


Usually I am not one to care much about politics. But the current presidential race for some reason has caught my attention. Maybe it’s because American might be on its way to creating another new record for itself (by having a black president for two terms in a row) or the fact that it would be interesting to see two people fight to rule a country that is in such a dire economic state. Either way the current presidential race is indeed worthy of some attention.

I spent about an hour or so watching the just concluded Presidential debate between Mr Obama and Mr Romney. It was definitely a refreshing watch, as President Obama worked vigorously to redeem himself in the face of his supporters.


The first debate some days ago made headlines for more reasons than just the fact that it was an oratory battle between two people vying for the most coveted seat in the free world, but because of the performance exhibited by Incumbent President; Obama. Obama’s performance was rather lackluster compared to his adversary, Governor Romney. He seemed to be unsure of himself at every juncture of the debate. His demeanor was seriously lacking tact and focus. He was clearly unprepared for the debate. In fact, Democrats considered the first debate to be a “write-off”. Some media pundits tagged his display as “rope-a-dope”


So when the second debate came around, Democrats were desperate for a win and they got it. Obama’s performance was a sharp contrast of the former. He was more precise in his responses, and as the polls have shown, he won the debate by a clear margin.


Some mischievous detractors have put a rather comedic spin on an aspect of the debate. While Romey tried to give a response to a question about the situation of women in the work place, he alluded to the fact that he had made great strides in the inclusion of women in the workforce. According to him, he noticed that many on his staff and prospective applicants were majorly men and wanted to bring some diversity into his team. So he was presented with “Binders of women” of equal qualifications to choose from. Am sure by now you can see how a lascivious mind would be able to make comedy from this….lol


All in all, I would definitely give President Obama some kudos for coming out and defending himself in the face of his supporters and opponents alike.